Saudi-Arabia, a hopeless place to ever even dream of finding a life partner, soul mate, or the love of your life..The country that strictly forbids mixing and all interaction between the sexes. How could anyone meet a member of the opposite sex here, let alone go out on a date, fall in love?
Surprisingly there are countless love stories that started in Magic Kingdom..So many of my friends found love here. It's actually quite ironic that of all places in the world, these couples met in the Saudi Kingdom. I compiled a list of short love stories form Saudi-Arabia.
Read our love story here.
Couples that found love in the hopeless desert Kingdom:
A Finnish man met a stunning Yemeni girl randomly one evening at a cafe..It was love at first sight. They are now happily married residing in Jeddah. An Australian nurse met a U.S Marine at an embassy function. She thought he was cute, but not her type. He fell head over heals for her. They were friends first but soon fell deeply in love..They had a dream wedding a few years after when they moved to the U.S. A Finnish nurse met her Palestinian husband at a desert camp. They were inseparable from that day onward. They are now happily married residing in Riyadh. A Finnish nurse met an all American guy at a compound party. They worked at the same hospital and started dating. Soon they left the Kingdom together to make a new home and life in U.S.A. The are now happily married and have a sweet little baby girl. Another Finnish nurse met an American soldier at an embassy party. They started dating and soon decided to leave the Kingdom to the U.S. This adorable couple had their fairy-tale wedding in the Caribbean.
A Finnish party girl and a Lebanese guy had a crush on each other. They often saw one another at parties where he DJ'd. The beautiful couple fell deeply in love and share the same passion of travelling the world. They got married in Finland, travelled around the world and are now returning to the desert Kingdom. An Irish nurse met a Lebanese engineer at a golf club. They shared the same hobby and soon realised they had a lot more in common too. The couple had an elaborate wedding in Beirut where they now reside. A Finnish nurse met an American guy at the Hash Harriers outings. They shared the same interest in sport, photography and nature. Soon they fell in love and set out to Finland for their wedding. The stunning couple reside in Riyadh where they both work.
A Lebanese nurse had given up on ever finding a soul mate, she had worked in KSA for many years before she was invited to the Hash group gatherings. She met a lovely American guy there and got hooked on both the desert and the man. They had an amazing wedding in Lebanon and returned to continue work in Saudi-Arabia. A Swedish nurse met a fellow Swede at a compound gathering. They became good friends and soon realised they had grown to love each other. The couple moved to Sweden where they got engaged soon after. A Lebanese male nurse had a crush on a colleague, a Finnish nurse for a long time until he had the courage to ask her out on a date. They fell instantly in love and moved in together. They soon got married and then had a cute little boy. Two Canadian nurses arrived to work in Saudi Kingdom at the same time. They met at the hospital orientation program. The couple started dating, but found life as an unmarried couple very difficult in Saudi and decided to return back to their home country together. A Malaysian nurse met an American army official at a compound party. They started dating and later went to her home country for marriage. They now have two kids and continue working in the Kingdom.
There are many other stories out there..These are just the tip of the iceberg. So what is the secret behind all these love stories from perhaps the most un-romantic, strict country in the world? I guess it might have something to do with the fact that many of the expats coming here are like-minded and share the same interests. They already were open-minded enough to make the move to Saudi, so many of them are open to inter-cultural relationships. Expatriates can actually have a lively night life in Saudi-Arabia and many of these couples met a party or other expat gathering.
I've also noticed a phenomenon that is quite common; a lot of the women coming here are in bad relationships back home and moving to Saudi for a temporary work placement often leads to them seeing things in new perspectives. They realize they were just dragging along in an already doomed relationship. Moving to Saudi is a sort of an unconscious way to break off from that relationship.
Currently my husband and I are the only ones I'm aware of a mixed marriage between a Saudi and an expat that met in the Kingdom. Many were dating but none went further than that..
I will leave you with a Valentine's day card my daughter made for us at daycare..I'm so proud of my little artist! Ok maybe the teachers helped her a bit :)
We hardly ever hear the candid voices of Saudi men in regards to relationships, marriage and thoughts of living in a tribal society. The following post is written by an anonymous Saudi man. He could be anyone, his thoughts and feelings are probably shared by many others out there. I came across this post on Facebook and found it so interesting and compelling I felt it should be shared with more people. I asked the author and he agreed to share his thoughts on Blue Abaya. In his post, which he says was written as a sort of apologetic letter to the women he hurt in his life, the writer goes through tribalism and its deeper meanings in the society while trying to explain to himself, and to the women who came across his path, the reasoning behind his actions. The piece has very insightful analysis about tribes, "meta-tribes" and the complex matter that is marriage in Saudi-Arabia. The problems that arise from tribalism are numerous and seemingly only negatively effect the Saudi woman. In reality the strong tribal practices in Saudi-Arabia today have negative effects on everyone on all levels of society. Read more about tribalism in Saudi-Arabia here: http://blueabaya.blogspot.com/2010/07/saudi-arabias-epidemic-tribalism.html Another reason I want to share this post is I often feel like the western media is portraying a false image of Saudi men. The illusion is of somewhat brain washed, rather boring men going about their monotonous days without much feeling or thought about life or how it would've been had he been born without the y chromosome. The truth is Saudi men have hopes, dreams and fears just like any man in any other country. Especially the new generation seems to have a lot of frustration toward the contradictions and hardships they face in their every day lives living in a tribal society such as Saudi-Arabia. What I thought makes this post special is the fact that Saudi men are usually private about these personal affairs and we hardly get a glimpse into the depths of their minds.
It's long, but a great read. Feel free to share it. "Why am I not married, or in a serious relationship and the Meta Tribe"
Plain and simple, the reason why I am not in a serious relationship of any kinda goes back to 1 reason, reverse tribalism or Meta Tribalism. It might not be a term you can google as I have coined it lately. This is, of course, my own perception and reality might be a little different or inconsistent with it since this is not a research paper. But in this post I will try to explain what Meta Tribe means and how it affects my love life and how I chose to deal with it.
Intro to tribes
So why does the need for tribal societies to marry off their young to other “compatible” tribes exist? its kind of a known fact that tribal marriage rituals were created as a system to insure money doesn't fly far off a group of people, as well as to minimize threats on a group of people and to minimize the influence of a stronger tribes and groups of people on this said family or tribe. This is also a criteria of what is considered a ”compatible” tribe. If a family or tribe has the same power amongst other tribes, or the same financial level, this will insure that money doesn't fly to others who are greedy or that the other tribe aimed to take advantage of the other tribe's social status or power, also this makes sure that civility dictates when conflicts arise as so much more than just 2 people are involved. Of course all these hazards could be minimized if the marriage happens between two of the same tribe.
This of course rises from weak judicial systems and weak civil society institutions as well as the lack of insurance and retirement plans and social security where people are forced to huddle up in “tribes” to protect themselves. This is also why we see a high dependance on the young in a family to taking care of the elderly of these tribes. The elderly depend heavily on the young to survive. Of course these reasons might look like they disappeared now days to some or they are under a layer of ignorance and tradition, but I assure you that those are some of the reasons why marriage rituals in tribal societies exist and why they continue to exist.
Meta tribes
What is interesting in my opinion is the backlash that non-tribal families had because of this. Since tribes have a strong political and financial power, non-tribals fearing for their well being around much more powerful groups started grouping together. Non-tribals started creating Meta Tribes amongst like minded and financially compatible families around them for the same reasons that Tribals created tribes. Similar marriage and partnership rituals grew out of this too. Families will choose to reject suiters for a lady from an “incompatible” because of the family's social status, religious values, financial situation, association with other families that might or might not be of compatible nature. This is just about talking about neighboring families in the same city, imagine how it would be if a suitor was from another country. This also applies if a man decides to get married from another “incompatible” family, the family of the man would object almost as much as a lady's family would, even though its easier for a man to do what he pleases legally, but a woman would need the approval of a legal guardian. This is what I call reverse tribalism, or Meta Tribalism, and it does exist.
Me my family
So before I come to the conclusion, a little bit about me must be communicated. I am a proud person, I hate begging for acceptance. I grew up being a non-tribal geeky nerd kid in the center of all Saudi Arabian tribalism. I was called gay for having a softer west saudi arabian accent, this explains why I learned to merge accents and adapt my language. I was picked on for being different and a geek and a person of higher grades. I was also picked on for being more westernized as I grew up on lots of american TV and media. I was an easy target for everyone. When I lived alone in my college years I learned to be proud of who I am, be an individual and not care about what others think, I found acceptance between a great group of friends. I know what I want to do and who I want to be. I can't go back to that fool was begging for acceptance from a society that rejected him. I learned to be proud and bend for nobody. I also learned that I don't like most people. Dont get me wrong, I don't mind most people, I am pretty social, but the people I like close to me are very rare. It takes me on average a 2 year relationship with a person with constant hanging out to even consider them close friends., if they manage to be my friend for that long. I also have a very specific way of life and a set of beliefs that finally made me a happy person. I won't go into details as some of these believes and choices might get me killed or put one of my family members in danger. I know what I want to accomplish in live, I have specific goals in life and those goals are my compass and will bend over and down to have them accomplished. If I cant get them accomplished, then I will die trying. I want to create a sustainable game industry in the middle east, and I want that to be my legacy.
I also met many women in my life of course, some were saudi and some were from other countries, and I know my taste in women now. I know what I want in a life partner and I know what emotions to look for in myself as signs of compatibility and chemistry. I know my skills as a person and I recognized my faults as a human and I do look for a partner in life that completes these faults to create a solid unit. A person that shares my believes and enjoys being part of my way of life. A person I can be part of their lives and a best friend amongst their friends and a friend to their friends too. I am not a kid falling in love and I am not a naive brat who just wants to piss off his family. I know what I want and what I need. This being said, most of the women that meet these criteria for me are women who are not from this country, and I have met a lot too, but chose not to persue them.
My family is a simple family from a non-tribal decent. My mom is from a simple family from makkah and my father is from a simple family in Madina. Two holy cities, the pressure I feel to be a good human being. My two parents focused on their education, got scholarships to go to the US and get their higher degrees from esteemed US universities, amongst them is UCS. They both got their PHDs and during their PHD days is when I was born. They have achieved high status in the community and they are known to be trust worthy and they are respected by everyone. They provided a life that is unimaginable to a young non-tribal in saudi. The house was full of love and acceptance even though the world outside the house didn't accept me or love me. They offered me the best education, the best nutrition and care as well as everything they ever could give me to make me feel comfortable while in saudi. I have never mentioned their name is shame, EVER. I have high respects for what they have accomplished in their lives and I love them unconditionally as they loved me unconditionally. Nothing is perfect though.
The issue with my family does rise with their commitment to the Meta Tribe I spoke up earlier. Due to their experience in life they have seen many people dealing with the backlash of marrying from outside of the meta tribe as well as deal with some complicated political and sociological problems after a divorce, especially if kids were involved. They have seen the pain that people went through and have seen how much damage that has caused not to the married/divorced people themselves but also for their direct and indirect families as well as for their kids. Those negative effects do happen from time to time and solving them is never easy. They don't want their baby, me, that they have nurtured for so long to be in pain or suffer from such issues, and that is understandable. They want me to have the life they have found to be the best for me, with nice daughter of their friend's. They have expressed firmly mamy times that they would never accept a non-saudi or a girl that is not from a compatible family.
Some of my experience
As the nature of Riyadh's ultra conservative social structure (capital of Saudi where I live currently), I am not really in contact with many saudi women, except virtually online. I met people in real life that I have known virtually for a while, knowing someone virtually doesn't count in the bigger picture of “knowing them”. The social structure doesn't allow me to observe their behavior around their friends, and it wouldn't allow me to observe their behavior around my friends. I don't consider that “knowing” someone at all. Not that I judge people who do, I just know myself and know how I feel about it, it just doesn't suite me. The women that I do meet in my social circles are not really my type too, its already a rare occurrence to meet a saudi woman in my circles, and the ones I meet are not my type at all.
So why don't I venture into other cities in saudi you say where people are dominantly less tribal? It just doesn't serve my goals, other cities just don't have the jobs or opportunities that Riyadh has. My goals come first. I tried to get to know a person that lived in another city once or twice though. For instance, I knew this one girl for a while online and we were good friends and she was from a “compatible” family, but once we hungout in another neighboring country for real and not online while we were traveling, it just didn't fit in inside my head, the whole experience was weird, I wasn't myself and she wasn't herself that I knew online. It was a complete mess, I didn't feel the relationship at all and it felt like I was digging myself a huge hole. I ended up panicking and doing something that I will always regret, I called her fat just to break up with her. I will always be a horrible human for what I have done. I don't want this type of crap to happen to her or anyone else so I will save the whole world my crap by going far away from the online saudi dating scene. If that lady was reading this, I am forever sorry.
I once met a person that I thought could have been the one here in Riyadh, geeky, intelligent, strong woman, ambitious and has high hopes and plans for herself that had the same believes that I had. We dated for a bit before she decided to break it off. Her reasons? She was tribal and she already had an experience convincing her family to be in a relationship with a incompatible tribal guy. She decided to spare herself and myself the pain of dealing with that again especially since I was non-tribal. I don't know if that was an excuse or if she was lying or not, I don't care anymore. There was other big issues with both of us that would have broken us apart regardless, but it sucks that an external force was the cause. what I do care about is the possibility of that ever happening again in Riyadh. When will I ever be able to meet someone who is compatible with me on that level? I never had in the last 5 years.
So how about arranged marriage right? How about my family choosing and introducing someone to me right? Not that I have anything inherently against this approach. different people, different methods. Arranged marriages tend to focus on compatibility beyond anything else, it does have a high rate of success due to the reasons I mentioned way earlier in this post. On the other hand, this method does depend on the son or daughter sharing the same values as the family, which is not the case for me. Even if I did go that route just to date and get to know the person, I would be reluctant to share with them anything that is considered perverted, blasphemous and weird by the status quo, and I am full of those and all about them. They are the basis of my personal believes and personal structure. Sharing any personal information about myself would put my family in danger, physically, or maybe just socially if any of that information seeped out to their “friends”. I really want to protect my family from any harm, they have always been nice to me and I am not an ungrateful bitch. I also don't let my family buy underwear for me, its really awkward to think they are choosing where my penis will go.
I have met some non-saudi women that were amazing, and I almost fell in love with one of them as I was trying to test out the waters and see if my family would approve of someone from a neighboring country that had similar cultural background. The attempt ended in very passive aggressive fights and it only boiled more aggression and late night crying of my mother according to my own sources. I decided to save that girl the trouble of dealing with all of this, and in turn inflicted same pain that the saudi girl once inflicted on me before. The circle of paid and hurt keeps going around. It has to stop.
Dealing with it
dealing with not having a partner is becoming a huge hurdle in front of my own goals, Its really hard to focus on work when your heart is empty. You need a life partner, a cofounder, for your life, someone that would accept the things your family rejected about you. This is the source of my current depression as my emotions started to be a hurdle in front of my goals, and I feel trapped.
One might debate the usefulness of Meta tribe in a civil society that is developing in saudi, but its completely irrelevant to my believes and my way of life. I am not planning on being in saudi for a long time as I do want to move somewhere else and I do have the means to do it and plans are already in motion. In those other places, civil societies do exist and the need of a meta tribe is completely irrelevant and is instead replaced with a smaller social circle of friends that share the same values and you best of all, you get to choose them yourself. And as I am not an ungrateful brat to my family, I promised myself never to get married to anyone they don't approve of. Its the least I could do after all the great things they offered me to be who I am. That leads to never meeting anyone they approve of, hence the decision not to get married.
Their decision to commit to the meta tribe does push me away from them, and does their inability to ever accept my way of life and my own believes, but thats another issue and I am ok with that. What I wonder sometimes about is my ability in the future to withstand dealing with them and caring for them due to giving me so much but taking away the most important thing away from me right now, the freedom to choose who to love. I will refrain from getting married and see me go into a downward spiral of bullshit and they will feel me being pushed away from them as time goes by. We will see if they stomach to see their little boy be alone in his life due to their commitment to the meta tribe.
I am still struggling with the fact that I will remain alone the most of my life though, never allowing myself to fall in love again. Wondering if a person able to not fall in love? Am I destined to fall in love over and over again and then continue to break hearts along the way? Mine as well as others? I now live my life clinching to any piece of love I could find, any hug and kiss counts to keep me alive, every cuddle and every sigh and moan adds a day or 2 to my heart. I don't want to hurt people around me, but I need the blood of your hearts to survive. Share some with me willingly, and I will share some of mine in return before we both move on. stay around as long as you can.
Maybe things will change in the future, maybe it won't. I don't want to over think it when I am with someone, but its completely unfair for the other party not to know the truth about what goes on with me. I know this post started very informative, but then turned into a sappy bs whiny story, I just really had to get it off my chest. I also know that women have it worst 10 folds but that doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt for us men. I know you feel even worst and that you get the shit card, but that doesn't mean that the source of our issues is not the same. Regardless, women problems are worst by far, just having a legal guardian is messed up enough. With this attitude, if I was a woman, I would have committed suicide a long time ago. Bravo for being so strong." By Anonymous Saudi man If you wish to contact the man who wrote this post, please send me an email and I will forward it to him. blueabaya @ gmail.com
So I attended my first big wedding party (walimah) here in Riyadh! What an amazing experience!
Weddings are the most important social gatherings in Saudi. Often costing hundreds of thousands of riyals, this is the time Saudi families show off their wealth. The wedding party and all related expenses are usually paid by the grooms family but often the bride's family chips in as well. Weddings are always gender segregated but most of the traditions and customs vary from region to region.
This was a special evening because it was the first time my husband's entire tribe were going to see his western wife..So this would be the night all eyes would be on me to evaluate his choice of wife and to watch my every move. I felt an immense pressure to give a good first impression and also ease my husband's life by being accepted into the extended family. I'm the only westerner, mind you even the only non-Saudi married into the entire clan. Needless to say I was HORRIFIED.
In preparation I had tried to "Arabize" my appearance a bit ie had Arabic eyebrows done, colored my eyelashes black and had some extra lashes installed at the spa. I'd found a beautiful evening gown at the "Princess souq" for 15 riyals! However the tailor I took it to for adjusting managed to do the opposite I was asking for so I had to choose another dress last minute. My friend wore the princess souq dress and she looked stunning!Check out the dress here it's the blue one: http://blueabaya.blogspot.com/2012/02/princess-souq.html
My husband advised me that his family is so conservative that even in an all female setting bare shoulders would not be a good idea so I had a bolero with my strapless emerald green evening gown. When I saw how the women there were dressed I was so glad I listened to my husband not to be remembered as the the scandalous shoulder -baring western lady!
Most of my jewelry got damaged in a fire we had last year but lucky me a friend borrowed her beautiful gold and diamonds jewelry set. Another friend gave me a gold designer handbag and I had a pair of golden heels. Ended up spending only few hundred riyals for some kohl and purple eye shadow to pop out the green shade of my eyes to match the dress. A wedding hair stylist came to my house to make my hair wavy ( and BIG) as was the trend according to her.
Saudi weddings typically start very late and end in the early hours of the morning. I was told by many not to go too early (before 11p.m!) but this family was different! We came at 9 p.m and hundreds of women were already there. My husband went to the men's side and later told me was the last to arrive.
Most families will rent out huge wedding halls for the occasion. They are of course separated to men's and women's sides. The entrance to male section of the wedding is in the front of the building, open and elaborate and there will be a huge chandelier hanging in the entrance hall. The men's side is otherwise not very decorative. It's the women's hall that is full of flowers and other lavish decorations. Both sides will have expensive bohkoor burning at every corner.
The women's entrance on the other hand is closed and guarded. Even when the door opens there is no direct view into the actual hall. The door opens into a room with no mirrors so not even a reflection could be accidentally seen to the outside. There is an abaya cloakroom and a beautifying room for women to glam themselves up before making their grand entrance.
I was expecting that purses would be searched for cameras and phones confiscated but to my surprise nothing was said about my phone and the bag was left alone. I was able to snap some pics that night as well! All of the women were removing their ras abaya, (the most conservative over the head version) leaving them at the cloakroom run by African women. This room had mirrors all over and women were putting on lipstick and fluffing up their already HUGE hair. There was hairsprays and perfumes for women to use. I was already getting dizzy from all the sights, smells and sounds.
The women were all eyeing my friend and I probably trying to guess who we were. I saw women and girls pointing at me and whispering. Is that HER? She's american right? Amriki? The daughter-in-law of so and so?
I could feel the pressure building up and slowly moving up to my throat. Another African woman dressed in a strange white costume covered by a black sheer veil brought an incense burner in my face to puff the smoke around and I felt like choking. I was only at the entrance and I wanted to RUN! Get me out of here! I can't do this!
Thank God for my friend who came with me. She knows the brother of the bride from school in the U.S. She's also Arab so I had a translator as well as an emotional support for the evening. I don't know how I would've survived without her. We ended up having so much fun despite my failing nerves.
I was looking around and trying to recognize any familiar faces of the relatives. Honestly speaking the women all wore so much make-up I was having a hard time. Finally I saw one of the sisters. We asked her what we were supposed to do and she advised us to go inside the wedding hall and greet the women on the right side then take a seat anywhere. Sounds pretty easy and simple right? WRONG!
As we approached the wedding hall in all its glory the truth unfolded. There were about 40 women standing or sitting in a line waiting to greet the guests. In the background more women stood or sat watching the entering guests. On the opposite side was a line of another 40 or so women from the grooms side watching on. That's a total of about 600 eyeballs. I almost panicked but managed not to faint or scream in horror.
I had thought out a theme on what to say. It all sounded so nice and collected in my head. Salaam aleikum, alf mabrouk, kef halek, you look beautiful, mashallah and so on..But my mouth did not listen to my brain. There was some sort of miscommunication and I ended up mumbling whatever came out in random order. More like marhabalek-queisa-dulilah. It's too painfully humiliating to remember more clearly so I will move on.
It's custom for Saudi women to kiss one another on the cheeks while holding hands as a greeting. Sounds so simple again, doesn't it? NOPE. One woman might kiss you once on your right cheek and that's it. The next will hold your hand and kiss you once then pull you in for three times on the other side. The third one might kiss you back on forth on each cheek. Some women that are not particularly fond of western women marrying their men will not kiss you at all. As a young woman you're supposed to kiss some of the elderly women on the foreheads as sign of respect. Some of them will reject this, some will accept. Now try figuring out which woman is which type of kisser and do 40 in a row without accidentally landing someone a nose-ear-eyes or LIP kiss in the process. I must have offended 39/40 women in the line.
After the humiliation ceremony we proceeded to find a seat. Most of the tables were already taken so we walked all the way to the back to find an empty table. The hall was full of round tables and in the middle there was an aisle lined with plush arabic style sofas I'm guessing for the more important guests. The aisle had a red carpet sprinkled with rose petals leading to the stage which was elaborately decorated with flowers and vases and in the middle was a white leather sofa where the bride later sat.
Notice the little plastic water cup on the table? That was the only drink that was served during the dancing/waiting/ogling period. I was so thirsty that by midnight I swear I wanted to drink the water from the flowers and those small candle holders! The waitresses were serving chocolates, dates, salty pastries and more chocolates to make guests even thirstier. Arabic coffee, which I don't count as a thirst quenching drink was being offered every 5 minutes. I asked one the waitresses for more water and she angrily replied there's only one per guest and that I should have more coffee! Yikes. Ok. Chill. I'm just gonna sip on this 5 mls of coffee at a time and get more dehydrated from it. Did I mention I was also starving?
On the stage there were three African women that started playing drums called "duff" which is the only type of music that the most conservative people approve of. The women started singing Arabic songs and it was LOUD. I have been to rock concerts and stood next to the loudspeakers and been more comfortable. Women were starting to dance all around the hall. Some of the young women went on stage and there seemed to be no shyness whatsoever involved in their dance. Some girls were dancing VERY close together
Guests kept coming in and women kept eyeing us. All the tables were full now except ours. No one wanted to sit with us. We curiously watched how the women were dressed. Like my husband said, the fashion was definitely more conservative than I had heard rumors of. No bare backs, short skirts, bare shoulders or anything too sexy. Cleavage seemed to be ok though. There was however so much glitter, ruffles, lace, sequins, bows, bling bling and colors that it had my head spinning. Ultimate extravagance. The Oscars are nothing compared to this.
Most of the dresses were sort of tacky Saudi style you see in the malls, the kind I always wondered who wears this? Well now I know. Simple and sleek are NOT in. The more decorations on the dress the better! Many women had long trails on the dresses and plunging necklines were filled with gigantic jewelry. I mean out of this world in size. There also seems to be no rule of balancing the jewelry such as if you have a huge necklace, then no huge earrings, rings or bracelets. AS IF! Size and quantity does matter!
Despite the tackiness, exaggerated hair, heavy make-up and christmas-treeish outfits most of the women looked stunning. Some, looked umm..interesting. There was one particular lady wearing an extremely form fitting (read like sausage skin) evening gown made with what seemed thousands of small golden sequins. The dress had a long trail and a generous neckline to show off her enormous ahem goods including a solid gold necklace. Her assemble was so shiny I swear it might have done some damage to my eyes as I could not take my eyes off of it. Kind of like looking into solar eclipse.
I had never put this much make-up on but still I had the least stuff on my face from the wedding guests. The post I wrote earlier about the wedding make-up might have been a bit exaggerated but gives some guideline on how some of these women looked like. Some of the younger girls and women had less make-up on though.
The table next to us filled with teenagers all busy on their iPhones. I swear they were taking our pic secretly. I noticed the small children running around in pretty dresses upstairs and maids attending to them. Some of them waived to me and I smiled and waived back. Upstairs is where the bride stays hidden for most of the wedding. There is a room for her to get ready in and the groom and his father will come there for photography from the men's side. She eats in this room with the groom as well. There is a staircase lined with rose petals and a red carpet coming down from the room to the wedding hall.
Some examples of the dress styles.
At this point some of the bride's friends came to sit at our table (only seats available lol) and I talked to some of them (or rather shouted in their ears) who knew English well. They were all medical professionals, just graduated. Some of them had elegant and relatively simple dresses with not too much make-up. One of those girls narrated the whole wedding to me.
Next I started wondering how come some women were still wearing their hijab (head coverings). It's only females, why? Apparently for the older women it's a sign of status. But most shockingly I noticed there were women in abayas. And wait. Is that a woman wearing niqab? Why on earth would they come to a wedding in niqab? There was at least four such women in attendance who never removed their veils. One had pimped up the niqab with gold crystals. Read my previous post about women who even sleep in their veils here: http://blueabaya.blogspot.com/2011/06/eternal-veil.html
More chocolates, anyone?
For the majority of the wedding women sit and chat and ogle others dresses. Unmarried women will try to show off by dancing for the potential future mother-in-laws in hopes of being noticed as candidates. The dancing on the stage got more intense as the wedding proceeded in anticipation of the bride's appearance. Soon a belly dancer started performing on stage. She was actually a wedding guest in an evening gown but they switched the music to Egyptian and she started swaying around the stage while women excitedly cheered her on and started ululating. Kind of odd because I'm not used to women eyeing women like that but hey whatever rocks your boat.
The "Saudi" dance style is hard to describe. It's nothing like the belly dancing that first comes to mind when imagining Arabic dance but more like the men's sword dance in rhythm. The women sway their bodies, slowly moving sideways as if they are floating, their hips and upper bodies making rhythmic movements to the beat of the drums. The woman might hold her long skirt with one hand and wave the other hand in the air. Sometimes women will also swish their long hair back and forth. I love this type of dance! The rhythm is also very catchy. I don't know exactly how to master this dance although i'm pretty good at belly dancing ;) So I thought to myself, thank God I don't have to dance on the stage in front of everyone! Oh how wrong I was..
Here is the only clip I could find that has similar dancing to what can be seen at weddings and other women's functions. I could not find out if it has a specific name but this is labelled simply under "khaleeji dance".
Stay tuned for the second part of the Saudi wedding experience including the taunting bridal walk, my chicken dance and a lamb's butt surprise!
In the article you can read how some young Saudi men are not able to consummate their marriages due to performance anxiety. A study of newly married Saudi couples found the prevalence of so called "Honeymoon impotence" to be as high as 17%. The same study concluded that 63% of marriages were not consummated because of the severe anxiety of the woman leading to a condition called vaginismus. Other reasons were erectile dysfunction, not knowing coital technique and low sexual desire.
One of the underlying factors to the problem is lack of sex education for young girls and boys.
Most of these cases of unconsummated marriages could have been prevented if they had been educated and aware of their bodies and its functions.
There is an alarmingly high rate of divorces among newlyweds in the Kingdom. Most divorces occur within the first year of marriage. Unconsummated marriage is one of the top reasons for young couples to seek divorce. Proper sex education could significantly help to lower the divorce rate.
Because of the lack of sex education in Saudi-Arabia the young are left to find out for themselves. This can naturally result in some horribly wrong ideas and lead to unrealistic expectations and create extreme anxiety and fears. Girls and boys won't learn from their parents either since everything sexual is viewed as "a'eib" (forbidden and shameful). The best sources for the girls are other peers at school and the maids! Now how much do the uneducated maids really know and how much are superstitions coming from their cultures?
Why is there no sex ed in Saudi? Does Islam forbid talking about sex?
No. But like many things in Saudi, true Islamic teachings and what is actually happening around here are two completely different things. Islam does not frown upon talking about sex and educating young people. Sexual relations between married couples are seen as normal part of life and nothing to be ashamed about. However the strong influence some sheikhs have on public opinion is one reason why Saudis cringe at the idea of their kids having sex education. All talk about sex is a taboo.
The message sent by some religious fanatics is that sex ed is bad and causes harm. These people think young men and especially women might get some perverted ideas in their heads if they are taught about sex. If you teach them about anatomy of the opposite sex and show how it's "done" they will become sex crazed and go and have premarital relations. Some even say showing pics of male and female sexual organs is a form of western conspiracy. Or that talking about sex will make women promiscuous. Sometimes I wonder what sort of dirty minds come up with this anyways?
You would think that in this day and age the internet would provide at least some sort of info on the subject. The problem of self educating about marital relations is that many of the sites remain censored from Saudi and there is just all sorts of wrong information available. Also internet time for the youth (especially the girls!) will be restricted or they are not allowed to use the internet at all. This leads to young couples getting married without having a clue of basic anatomy of the other half and no knowledge of how babies are made.
So I will conclude by telling you a real life example of how badly sex education is needed here.
A newly married couple came to the infertility clinic for check up. They had been trying for over a year to conceive without any luck. The doctors ran some tests and everything came back normal. The couple was sent back home to keep trying and praying for a child.
Another year went by and the couple started to get very frustrated and came back to the clinic. As the doctor discussed their options he thought of asking a few questions of their "technique" to rule out any issues there.
The man explained how they had marital relations always in the same position and how it was usually very painful for the wife. The doctor started to suspect there really was something wrong with their technique and showed them a picture of the anatomy of female sexual organs asking the husband to show which area they used during intercourse. He very shyly pointed to the "back door".
Problem solved. The couple conceived shortly after the quick sex ed by the doctor.
So if this Saudi man was not able to locate the correct passage for two years then I can't imagine what else is out there?
So what do you think? Would Saudi-Arabia benefit from sex ed?
Polygamy, the topic that always sparks up a heated discussion. Most non-Muslim women will find the idea of multiple wives appalling and unfair among millions of other things. Some Muslim ladies might feel somewhat the same, or would never want it for themselves and rather have a divorce. There are those who remain neutral and hope their husbands will not marry another, but won't ask for a divorce if they do. And on the other hand we have women who are defenders and spokes-persons for polygamy.
This might come as a surprise for many. I certainly never thought I would come across a Muslim woman who speaks FOR polygamy. I imagined all women would kind of stick to defending women's rights and not men's rights. But I was wrong. Sadly there's always women who think of men's feelings and needs as superior to women's.
These polygamy-activists make co-wifery sound like a walk in the park. A pleasant, calm and enjoyable experience. But how come all of the polygamous marriages I heard/know about are nothing like that? I would rather describe them as roller-coaster rides or even as life on a deserted island. In most cases, polygamy makes the lives of the women and children miserable. The husband is the one walking in the different parks.
Personally I don't understand women who think they must advertise polygamy. Sure, Islam allows it under certain conditions, but that does not mean it encourages it. Some very few women might of coursewant to be in a polygamous marriage even going as far as suggesting it to the husband or helping to find the second, third or fourth wife. Voluntary polygamous marriages where all parties live happily do exist, but they are extremely rare.
Polygamy is not for all couples and not every Muslim woman has to accept it as part of their own lives. The fact of the matter is polygamy breaks most marriages and traumatizes children affected by it. Defending men's rights to take second wives on a whim or for sexual pleasure and saying women should just suffer for the sake of Allah and pray they become better wives is just strange and even offensive coming from a woman's mouth.
It's not a Muslim woman's dutyto accept being a co-wife. Women are different. Most cannot handle being a co-wife, and that's perfectly normal and human. I think acknowledging that is important. Thinking this way should not be made a shameful thing. That is one of the issues I have with pro-polygamists. They tend to think women who deny their husbands polygamy are MAJOR SINNERS.
Polygamy fanatics like to raise themselves above other Muslim sistersby saying things like "how dare she have the audacity to deny her husband his God given rights". They say stuff like "Allah gave men a much stronger drive than women and to help keep him from committing sins He gave him the right to more than one spouse" or best yet "none of us truly believes until we want for our sisters what we want for ourselves, and that includes sharing a good husband with someone who has not yet found one".
Seriously? If you TRULY believe, the only way to show it is to share your husband, especially the good ones.
Sharing is caring!
The way polygamy is practiced in Saudi-Arabia today is just light years away from what it was back in the times of the Prophet Mohammed. The justification of sexual pleasure is not mentioned anywhere in the Quran, yet it remains one of the most repeated slogans from pro-polygamists. When speaking of polygamy, it should be considered how, where and why the verse was actually revealed.
The verse in the Quran was revealed after the battle of Uhud which left hundreds of orphans and widows behind "If you fear that you will not be just/equitable to the orphans, then marry as permissible for you, women, two, three or four. But if you fear you will not be just/equitable, then one or to whom you are committed to by oath. That is better so that you do not deviate from the right course". 4:3
To me considering the background, this reads: If you're a man and there happens to be a situation where there are much more women than men following massive loss from battles resulting in many orphans in need of a providing parent, then to solve this problem, and in this case only, you are allowed to marry up to four women from the mothers of those orphans in order to help them, but you must be financially, physically and emotionally equipped to treat them equally, and in order to be just to all, you must ask the first wife's permission to do so, otherwise stick to just one wife which is better for you.
How can a man be just in his treatment anyway if he doesn't get approval from the first wife? If she is against the idea, he is not treating her justly. Marrying another wife against her wishes results in one wife feeling betrayal and anger and thus getting unfair and unequal treatment. So from the start a man that marries behind the wife's back or contrary to her wishes has gone against what the verse states as a clear condition to plural marriage.
Speaking about fairness and justice, I think this verse from the Quran "You will never be able to do perfect justice between wives even if it is your ardent desire,..4:129 sort of hits the nail on the coffin for pro-polygamy speeches.
If according to the Quran, no man will EVER be able to do perfect justice with his wives, in addition to just treatment being the condition to taking multiple wives, then to me that either implies polygamy is HIGHLY discouraged (but still permissible) or downright not to be messed with.
Despite these facts, polygamy activists have a mind of their own. They like to pull out the "sex drive"-card. Those poor men have such strong urges, they NEED more than one wife to get satisfied and not to go searching for prostitutes. And the first wife MUST accept and understand this. To me this is just disgusting. First of all, is that what the consequent wives are for, only to act as sex toys to the poor husbands? Is this how highly some women think of other women?
What about those poor women that have much stronger sex drives than their husbands? What is their solution? Why do some women condescend to viewing men as some sort of sexual predators that only think of sex? As if men are not capable of controlling themselves whatsoever. What about women? How can they control their desires? As if women don't have any desires whatsoever.
Another excuse I hear from polygamy defenders in Saudi is that there's just so much more women than men here, it makes taking more wives in fact, charity. It is simply a noble act. Just think of all those unmarried women out there! Anxiously waiting at home, twiddling their thumbs and dreaming of becoming third wives to 60-year old men with 25 kids.
To those people I would like to show these latest statistics. CIA fact book from Saudi-Arabia: 0-14 years: 29.4% (male 3,939,377/female 3,754,020)
65 years and over: 3% (male 404,269/female 368,456) (2011 est).
So in fact, there are 2,294,925 MILLION more men than women of "marriageable" age in Saudi-Arabia.
Wait, doesn't this, according to that same reasoning mean that Saudis should start practicing polyandry instead of polygyny?Hmm..What about all those poor mister spinsters, who will marry them??
"One of His signs is that He created for you spouses like your selves so that you may live with them with affection and mercy - there are signs in this for people who reflect". (Qur'an 30:21)
I wish some women would reflect and stop speaking for men's rights over women's. It's a woman's right to choose whether or not they want to be in a polygamous marriage. It's a mans world already, don't make it worse.
It's not only the Saudis that are having arranged marriages in the Kingdom. There are large communities of Muslim expats permanently settled in the country who also prefer arranged marriages. Those Muslims often find it easier to seek for suitable brides and grooms online or on newspapers.
For example there are hundreds of matrimonial sites for Indians and Pakistanis alone. Then there's specific sites for the expats living in Saudi to which they turn to when the son or daughter is ready to get married. Using media for finding a bride/grooom is seen as perfectly normal and efficient way to find a spouse. Many arranged marriages do succeed, but I guess at least an equal amount do not.
In the west on the other hand, people are more used to using internet and other media for dating purposes and getting to know the person they are interested in. Men and women do also search for life companions but not with the type of adds than you might see in a Saudi newspaper. In the west people would typically go to great lengths to describe their character and personalities, views on life and future hopes rather than family backgrounds or skin color preference.
A short add in a European newspaper stating a man is urgently looking to marry any young, good-looking, non-demanding woman of certain height and skin color that is a good cook would be seen as a bad joke or even racist and chauvinistic.
For those not used to arranged marriages seeing these kinds of straight-forward marriage proposals comes across as really odd. Sometimes it seems as if the most important qualities mentioned in these adds are racial origin, skin color, height and age of the woman. Additional mentions go to cooking, home making skills and degrees. It's also strange to see parents placing the adds for their children.
I stumbled upon some pretty interesting (and some funny) adds on an expat website..
SEEKING DECENT BRIDGE A Pakistan National 47 years old man working in Saudi Arabia from 20 years seeking Pakistani decent Bridge under 35 years old, having strong financial position with family status. Reason for having another marry is lack of son. Interested families may be contacted at the following an email with full detail and photo, SYED -SUNNI & BUKHARI family is preferred. bridge_required@yahoo.com
Looking for a Bride Sunni muslim indian hyderabadi parents searching a bride for my younger brother and who's profile Age: 27 yrs Height: 5.10 inch Color: wheatish Education: gradute (Bachelor of Commerce) Position : Sales Coordinator Settled in ksa
Girl shoude be atleast Age : 20 to 26 yrs Height: 5.3 and above Color : fair Educaton: any homely responly house duty religious minded No demands If these breif detail mates your requirement please forward the pic and details from your side to...
Urgent need a cute wife for my self (your all condistions will be accepted) i am from saudiarab bassiclay from peshawar age 32, belongs to pathan family, working as an electrical supervisor, having cool financialy background, have 2 lak Saudi riayal bank balance here in ksa and having 90 lak rupees property in pakistan. i am independant need a lifepartner age 17-20 from any cast. i will supourt financailly. work visa will be given to her brother. if any one interested pls contact
Looking for 2nd wife am looking for blonde girl .North American or European .from age 26 to 35. height from 5,2 to 5,6 ft .beautiful take care of her body and health ...honest Iam work as ER doctor in Gov hospital and my first wife still in Egypt not here in KSA i have all equp to get married in month or may be less
Seeking for second wife I am from hyderabad, PG, working in Jeddah, 6000 SR/month with family status ofcourse, goodlooking, religious, physically and financially strong alhamdulillah, already with wife and small kids eldest dgtr is 4 yrs, looking for religious, god fearing, niqab observing,fair, sincere family oriented, atleast graduate girl, age not more than 32 years, (divorcees with children excuse please). If someone finds this suitable please contact me through the email Ma'assalam
and the same guy amended the add to this the next day..
Seeking for second wife I am from Pakistan City Faisalabad, B.Tech (Electrical) from Preston University, working in Jeddah, 5000 SR/month with family status of course, good looking, religious, physically and financially strong alhamdulillah, already married and going for seperation soon as we are not understanding totally to each other. looking for religious, god fearing, observing,fair, sincere family oriented, atleast graduate girl, age not more than 25 years, (divorcees with children excuse please). If someone finds this suitable please contact me through the email Ma'assalam
Looking for second wife I am Saudi man working in health sector, looking for a bride in Jeddah as second wife. She will have a full respected treatment as Islam's state on. Preferred: good looking, whitish, Arabic, social, separated woman with/without kids. Of-course, fearing Allah, from decent family, well educated, open minded ...etc. I am 37yrs old, open minded, practical, fearing Allah ...bla bla, financially capable to open 2nd house.
Seeking bride for our son We are seeking a bride for our son, Electrical Engineer, age 26 years, slim and smart, raised & educated in Saudi Arabia, currently employed in a well reputed company. We are a Sunni Muslim Awan family belong to Punjab - Pakistan .
Bride should be simple, polite, beautiful, well educated and family oriented with Islamic cultured, enough to know the difference between a house and a home, age between 20 to 23 years, Interested parents / guardians are kindly requested to forward the bride bio-data in detail through email. You all are very respectable for us and we assured you, that your all information's will be treated as confidential. Best Regards Groom Parents
Proposal We are looking proposal for younger brother, who is 27 years old, Fair, Good Looking, 6.1" Tall, B.com, M.com, working in Hyderabad,
Bride should be very good in look, Slim, Beautiful with Sharp features & religious, very soft in nature, well-mannered, strictly practicing hijaab (veil and wimple) and knows all domestic responsibilities.
Interested parents are kindly requested to forward detailed bio-data along with very recent picture of the bride
Reading all these and there are hundreds like them out there, left me with a feeling of sadness..what is a woman's value these days? Isn't there anyone out there looking for a woman as a companion and an equal partner nowadays? Are all these men/parents just searching for a white-skinned beautiful maid/cook/bedroom entertainment center/baby producing machine? And all these men looking for second wives..ugh.
But then I saw these two adds and I thought, there is some HOPE.
Looking for beauty with brains Well travelled, educated egyptain doctor (46) is looking for a companion marriage. Someone used to travelling, has a mind of her own - not a yes-woman. Overall must be an interesting personality.
Seeking Bride I am Filipino Nationals and i am looking for divorced or widowed saudi or egyptian lady with kids. The lady should be educated and studied outside the Kingdom, speaks english fluently, open minded, caring and loving. No age limit required as long as she is willing to be my life time partner.
Well I hope all the persons eventually find what they are looking for..Ok maybe not the men looking for second wives haha ;)
Picture an 86-year old bedridden man. He has recently married a 16-year old girl, his third wife. He feels the need for a little "boost" to his manhood to fully enjoy the marital life and satisfy his new bride. Viagra no longer works for him. What can he do?
The man is fortunate to be a Saudi. He can easily get help with a penile prosthesis, inserted free of charge at the government hospital. If one hospital rejects his request, he will just keep looking until he finds a physician willing to operate on him. Lucky for him it does not matter that he is nearing 90, cannot walk and that his new wife could be considered a child by some. Saudi medical ethics are exceptional in his case. The man is entitled to have some fun after all. At least one limb should be working!
At the hospital the surgeons will pat the mans back and congratulate him on the new wife. Of course the old man needs to be able to perform! Surgery will be planned and an implant inserted to enable a constant "state of readiness" for him. After the operation the room fills with curious male relatives congratulating the man on his new upgrade popping up from under the blanket. He will leave the hospital with a new cane but this one is not meant to assist in walking.
The sensitive issue of erectile dysfunctions are relatively common in Saudi-Arabia. Contributing factors are often social like multiple wives, arranged marriages, consanguinity and lack of sexual education before marriage.
Many of the cases are young newly married men presenting with "honeymoon impotence". Sometimes those men were not able to consummate their marriages simply because the social pressure was too heavy on them. The problem can be so severe it leads to divorce. Unconsummated marriage is not seen as a valid marriage and impotence is a just cause for the woman to file for divorce.
Then there are the 70+ men that seek for a cure for erectile dysfunction. They too feel the social pressure of being a virile and active husband.
Elderly patients with this problem are not a Saudi specific occurrence of course. What makes it different in the Kingdom is the fact that many of the old patients will end up having surgery despite the risks.
Elsewhere and in the western world performing such invasive surgery would be seen as unethical and down right dangerous due to old age and higher complication risks. Penile prosthesis surgery is usually performed on young men with certain medical conditions and older men will be treated with medicine such as sildenafil (Viagra). But in Saudi the lack of medical ethics as we know them and the "gentleman's club" attitude enable these old babas to have their way.
The culture in Saudi-Arabia does not frown upon very old men wanting to enjoy marital life. It's seen as their right. Same does not apply for older women though, after the women reaches menopause she is not seen as a sexual being anymore.
The elderly man of the above story was an extreme case but nevertheless such cases do sometimes occur. And they are viewed as perfectly normal. A new young wife is seen as an acceptable indication for surgery!
Elderly men, regardless of their underlying medical conditions or even their mobility in the most extreme cases, will be granted the implant if they so wish. These old Saudi men will happily continue their marital relations and keep their social status with their eternal erections. Only in Saudi-Arabia!
Some interesting research from the Middle-East region on the matter:
A urologist I used to work with concluded in his study conducted in Saudi-Arabia that patients with penile prosthesis had a 92% satisfaction rate.
Researchers found that in "240 cases, unconsummated marriage was due to being under social pressure to have a quick intercourse while relatives waited behind the door to confirm and celebrate coitus by checking a handkerchief that was placed beneath the bride to become bloody by hymen perforation."
