Saturday, November 19, 2011

Sharing Husbands is Caring!

Polygamy, the topic that always sparks up a heated discussion. Most non-Muslim women will find the idea of multiple wives appalling and unfair among millions of other things. Some Muslim ladies might feel somewhat the same, or would never want it for themselves and rather have a divorce. There are those who remain neutral and hope their husbands will not marry another, but won't ask for a divorce if they do. And on the other hand we have women who are defenders and spokes-persons for polygamy.

This might come as a surprise for many. I certainly never thought I would come across a Muslim woman who speaks FOR polygamy. I imagined all women would kind of stick to defending women's rights and not men's rights. But I was wrong. Sadly there's always women who think of men's feelings and needs as superior to women's.

These polygamy-activists make co-wifery sound like a walk in the park. A pleasant, calm and enjoyable experience. But how come all of the polygamous marriages I heard/know about are nothing like that? I would rather describe them as roller-coaster rides or even as life on a deserted island. In most cases, polygamy makes the lives of the women and children miserable. The husband is the one walking in the different parks.
Personally I don't understand women who think they must advertise polygamy. Sure, Islam allows it under certain conditions, but that does not mean it encourages it. Some very few women might of course want to be in a polygamous marriage even going as far as suggesting it to the husband or helping to find the second, third or fourth wife. Voluntary polygamous marriages where all parties live happily do exist, but they are extremely rare.

Polygamy is not for all couples and not every Muslim woman has to accept it as part of their own lives. The fact of the matter is polygamy breaks most marriages and traumatizes children affected by it. Defending men's rights to take second wives on a whim or for sexual pleasure and saying women should just suffer for the sake of Allah and pray they become better wives is just strange and even offensive coming from a woman's mouth.

It's not a Muslim woman's duty to accept being a co-wife. Women are different. Most cannot handle being a co-wife, and that's perfectly normal and human. I think acknowledging that is important. Thinking this way should not be made a shameful thing. That is one of the issues I have with pro-polygamists. They tend to think women who deny their husbands polygamy are MAJOR SINNERS.

Polygamy fanatics like to raise themselves above other Muslim sisters by saying things like "how dare she have the audacity to deny her husband his God given rights". They say stuff like "Allah gave men a much stronger drive than women and to help keep him from committing sins He gave him the right to more than one spouse" or  best yet "none of us truly believes until we want for our sisters what we want for ourselves, and that includes sharing a good husband with someone who has not yet found one".

Seriously? If you TRULY believe, the only way to show it is to share your husband, especially the good ones.

Sharing is caring!

The way polygamy is practiced in Saudi-Arabia today is just light years away from what it was back in the times of the Prophet Mohammed. The justification of sexual pleasure is not mentioned anywhere in the Quran, yet it remains one of the most repeated slogans from pro-polygamists. When speaking of polygamy, it should be considered how, where and why the verse was actually revealed.

The verse in the Quran was revealed after the battle of Uhud which left hundreds of orphans and widows behind "If you fear that you will not be just/equitable to the orphans, then marry as permissible for you, women, two, three or four. But if you fear you will not be just/equitable, then one or to whom you are committed to by oath. That is better so that you do not deviate from the right course". 4:3

To me considering the background, this reads: If you're a man and there happens to be a situation where there are much more women than men following massive loss from battles resulting in many orphans in need of a providing parent, then to solve this problem, and in this case only, you are allowed to marry up to four women from the mothers of those orphans in order to help them, but you must be financially, physically and emotionally equipped to treat them equally, and in order to be just to all, you must ask the first wife's permission to do so, otherwise stick to just one wife which is better for you.
How can a man be just in his treatment anyway if he doesn't get approval from the first wife? If she is against the idea, he is not treating her justly. Marrying another wife against her wishes results in one wife feeling betrayal and anger and thus getting unfair and unequal treatment. So from the start a man that marries behind the wife's back or contrary to her wishes has gone against what the verse states as a clear condition to plural marriage.

Speaking about fairness and justice, I think this verse from the Quran "You will never be able to do perfect justice between wives even if it is your ardent desire,.. 4:129 sort of hits the nail on the coffin for pro-polygamy speeches.

If  according to the Quran, no man will EVER be able to do perfect justice with his wives, in addition to just treatment being the condition to taking multiple wives, then to me that either implies polygamy is HIGHLY discouraged (but still permissible) or downright not to be messed with.

Despite these facts, polygamy activists have a mind of their own. They like to pull out the "sex drive"-card. Those poor men have such strong urges, they NEED more than one wife to get satisfied and not to go searching for prostitutes. And the first wife MUST accept and understand this. To me this is just disgusting. First of all, is that what the consequent wives are for, only to act as sex toys to the poor husbands? Is this how highly some women think of other women? 

What about those poor women that have much stronger sex drives than their husbands? What is their solution? Why do some women condescend to viewing men as some sort of sexual predators that only think of sex? As if men are not capable of controlling themselves whatsoever. What about women? How can they control their desires? As if women don't have any desires whatsoever.

Another excuse I hear from polygamy defenders in Saudi is that there's just so much more women than men here, it makes taking more wives in fact, charity. It is simply a noble act. Just think of all those unmarried women out there! Anxiously waiting at home, twiddling their thumbs and dreaming of becoming third wives to 60-year old men with 25 kids.
To those people I would like to show these latest statistics.
CIA fact book from Saudi-Arabia:
0-14 years: 29.4% (male 3,939,377/female 3,754,020)
15-64 years: 67.6% (male 9,980,253/female 7,685,328)
65 years and over: 3% (male 404,269/female 368,456) (2011 est).

So in fact, there are 2,294,925 MILLION more men than women of "marriageable" age in Saudi-Arabia.
Wait, doesn't this, according to that same reasoning mean that Saudis should start practicing polyandry instead of polygyny?Hmm..What about all those poor mister spinsters, who will marry them??

"One of His signs is that He created for you spouses like your selves so that you may live with them with affection and mercy - there are signs in this for people who reflect". (Qur'an 30:21)

I wish some women would reflect and stop speaking for men's rights over women's. It's a woman's right to choose whether or not they want to be in a polygamous marriage.
It's a mans world already, don't make it worse.


Noor said...

Maybe they are defending it bc of the bad image that it has. It even seems that Muslims are against it these days which as Muslims we should not since accepting it is part of our religion. Accepting things though does not mean we have to love it. I could never do it but my dh would have the right if he wanted. Although my dh would never do that alhumdullah. I know many women may divorce their dh which really is not right in our religion. Most mixed marriages here do not get along (the women) you see in America the non-Muslims are close ie Sister Wives. Its nice when a man marries a widow to help her or maybe his wife can not have kids. Allah knows all..

Anonymous said...

OMG amazing post..well read and to the point. Sometimes it seems women are the enablers and make so many excuses for "if he doesn't have another wife he may fulfil his needs elsewhere or with a prostitute".. R U SERIOUS?..if u even consider that u have major problems ppl. It shows your husband might have a problem with his Islam not cos his mojo is in overdrive...Get what I'm saying?...sometimes women are their own worst enemy.

Anonymous said...

Great post and honest,straight to the point.Saudi men practice polygamy for all the wrong reasons. And only for selfish reasons or did someone hear of a man that married a woman older than him,or at least a widowed woman with many kids? Nope.Dont know any!!!
They always marry a young virgin. yuck.
And you'r right I too have yet to meet a succesful and happily married polygamy family.

oh and have you noticed how a Saudi man will have no problmen taking additional wives for himself but when it comes to his daughter,oh no, dont you dare!!the hypocrisy and double standards!!

Marokon morsian said...

Salamaleykom. Pakko taas palata kommentoimaan, että ihan mahtikirjoitus! Jos vaan kaikki ymmärtäisivätkin kimurantin aiheen samalla tavalla, kuten se Koraaninkin mukaan menee, ei kaikkia meitä muslimien parempia puoliskoja tuomittaisi jonnekin jalkavaimo-kastiin.

Taas kerran mainio esimerkki siitä, ettei koskaan pidä sekoittaa itse islaminuskoa, joka on pyhä ja puhdas, sitä harjoittavien uskovien kanssa keskenään. Valitettavasti kaikki "muslimit" kun eivät tunne Koraaninsa kukkasia ;)

Anonymous said...

Excellent article mrs Laylah.
But did you notice that the first comment you got was from such a defender of mens rights?She doesnt mind if her husband gets another wife. OMG.
Because its his right.
Come on women wake up from this brainwashing!!!!
news flash-its also YOUR right to be the only wife.
Why women dont put it in their contracts to be only wife? Then the husband takes more wives and that first becomes bitter, jealous and a monster.It could all be avoided by that simple clause!
SOmetimes I think women are stupid (no offense anyone) or naive to think MY husband would never do it.
I bet ALL the women who ended up as co wife said that. Evrey single one.
O please stop complaining and do something about it is my advice.


Anonymous said...

"I know many women may divorce their dh which really is not right in our religion. "..
If muslim women were more assertive and knew their rights God gave them to use (especially the converts) before marriage..then they could write in their marriage contract to be the only wife or else immediate divorce and conditions applying..we need to take the rights we have as muslim women.and yes the right to divorce is not encouraged but it defiantly is ok to do in Islam when all other options have failed.

Dentographer said...

As a Male,i bet my comment here is going to be read with the surgical precision and everything i will say here will be used against me harshly lol.

its a confusing matter to say the least,and definitely an overused,or shall i say an abused right that is "given" to men.

i remember a friend of the family who was married to two women,who always used to fight,and for him to punish those two wives,he married a third.

any man who carries honest feelings to his spouse would know how much it hurts a wife to have a co wife,and if he was sincerely loving her,and there was no medical condition or any other obligatory reason for him to remarry,doing so will break a heart,and that alone is a good reason for him not to do it.

not that i want to justify polygamy for this reason,but the whole sex drive thing have some sort of truth in it,especially with women going into cycles,and the fact that sexual activity is somthing that moodiness plays a big role in to make it an act of pleasure, my point is,sexual frustration does exist,however,it exists for both genders,not only for the male,which is one of the things that makes me wonder why is it justified for men,and not for women.

Layla said...

Noor-I think it's also our right to be the only wife. It's our right not to want to live in a polygamous marriage. Why put his right first?

How is this against Islam?

Why did one of the Prophets granddaughters have the "no second wife" clause in her contract put in, if its not acceptable?

Layla said...

GawjusGurl-I agree 100% with what you say-women are each others worst enemies sometimes.
We should stick together and work for women's rights and stop making excuses for men.
We should stop defending men and start sticking up for ourselves.

Layla said...

I've noticed that double-standard of having multiple wives, but then not being ok with their daughters having to be a co-wife.
But that's what Saudi is all about, double-standards when it comes to men.

Layla said...

K-You know why I think women so easily believe in that? Because they are brainwashed into thinking they will be better muslims if they become second wives, or that putting their husband's selfish needs in front of all else and by sacrificing their own happiness, they will somehow become more "pious".

Layla said...

anon 3:41-I don't think it's always the case that converts don't know about their option of putting that clause in their contracts, but more their being brainwashed into thinking by not having it, they will be more pious wives and better Muslims.
I think its sad because they are giving up their happiness and lives in the process.

Even born Muslims rarely have the clause in their contracts.

Layla said...

Dentographer-thanks for your male point of view.

What kind of man marries a third wife just as a punishment for the two? Didn't he realize his life would become hell after that? I mean now you're stuck with three angry and bitter women My God the logic..

I have to disagree with you about the drive thing,I think it's used only as an excuse.Men have good and bad days too.
A couple should go to sex therapy rather than have the man run to get a new wife just for pleasure.
Even the thought is sickening to me.

Btw, what did you mean by "obligatory reason to remarry"?

Layla said...

Marokon Morsian-kiitos kommentista!
Niinhan se menee, ihmisilla on ainakin suomessa taysin vaarat mielikuvat millaista on olla muslimi, tai sellaisen vaimo. Naisten oikeuksista puhumattakaan..

Dentographer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Layla said...

Ahaa, ok thanks for clarifying :)

So in your opinion would it be a just reason for a man to remarry, if the first wife cannot have children?
Would that not be a double stab in her heart?
What if that's the way God meant it to be, that they are left childless..

Dentographer said...

I believe you misunderstood my comment, I ment that sex drive frustration exists but in equal amounts for both sexes and it doesn't not justify one genders need to remarry over the other while the other cant.

By obligatory, I meant left with no choice but to remarry, I apologize for using the wrong word

Dentographer said...

Sorry i had to rewrite my comment to make the point clear, which is way it came again after you replied to it..

i honestly cannot say if its comes down to what the husbands priorities are,if she comes first to him then he would have probably considered adoption or seeked medical treatment,and if it was all with no avail,the least he can do is moving forward with marraige after an honest consent from her,which i doubt it ever happens.

a true gentlemen would abstain from having children when his wife is in capable out of respect for her,and he should know that this is definitly rewarded by god to him,as this life is not all that is,and there is an after.

if it was for me,i would have happily chose adoption,but Alhamdulillah we didnt have to go through such hardship.

you know,its really intresting to look into history and find the time when islamic teachings were intentionally deviated to be in favour of man,had a lengthy discussion with a knowledgable person about it and it was quite interesting to say the least.

Aima Baig said...

Oh lovely article in the morning. make my day so pleasurable. Got a feeling of a women but i am really feeling good for being a women. Well in this men's world female are so much suppressed and feared of saying any thing to the male party weather it;s her father, brother husband or son making them more powerful and ruthless of taking care about the feeling of innocent women. Quran is the only book that give privileged to a women too. Islam is the only religion which tell men that women is some thing important for them to be deal with love and politeness.

Ali said...

I agree with you: Islam allows polygamy but some women in polygamy marriages spout stuff like:
1) If a woman does not accept her husband marrying again happily, she is sinning
2) There are many more women than men in the world. When you point out that in most Muslim countries, men outnumber women, they either divert the topic or call the population statistics "Zionist stats".
3) Its great to be a co wife, women in single marriages dont know what theya re missing

Of course the other side is we shouldnt claim men need permission from their wife to marry again, they dont, if the wife wants she can put that in the marriage contract.
Similarly, some cases may be such that polygamy is better for the man than a mongamoyus marriage and adultery, but lets not elevate polygamy to something that is encouraged, rather it is something permissible.

Sandy said...

Generally if it you put a no second wife clause in your contract- the courts in Saudi will not honor it because you cannot have a clause that takes away a man's right.

I do want for my sister what I want for myself. I want her to have a nice monogamous marriage like I do.

They continuously harp on how women should be "patient" about things and not get so hung up on the "dunya" world- but the second a man must accept a disabled wife, or no children- suddenly he needs all his rights here as in the hereafter. Children are a gift and a blessing not an entitlement.

Anonymous said...

"I do want for my sister what I want for myself. I want her to have a nice monogamous marriage like I do.
They continuously harp on how women should be "patient" about things and not get so hung up on the "dunya" world- but the second a man must accept a disabled wife, or no children- suddenly he needs all his rights here as in the hereafter. Children are a gift and a blessing not an entitlement."

OMG i love what you just so true in every hit the nail on the head and its the reality for many sisters sadly.

Layla said...

Quranreading-thank you for your comment,I'm glad I made your day pleasurable :)

Ali-Thanks for another male point of view, appreciate it very much. I don't understand those people who insist that there's more women than men in the world. One such person is Zakir Naik.

Layla said...

Sandy-did you hear of such a case where the woman had that clause yet was not granted a divorce upon the husband taking a second wife>does this really happen? I wouldn't be surprised though.

But if a judge was the person to agree to put the clause in the first place, wouldn't going against that be violation of the contract which is a legal document?

btw awesome comment, well said.

gotcha said...

Actually the birth rates are 105 males to 100 females. Most generally the male population outnumbers the female population up until some around 65 year of age. However China and India have really skewed numbers as they often times kill a female fetus. It is stated that there is actually 33 million less women in the world then men this year.

gotcha said...

If you have ever read the old testament you will find that often time polygomy turns out very poorly. If there is a less there it is don't do it as it often time destroys the family life and has negative consequences on the children. All of this is actually depicited in the Old Testament. What is interesting is that some still try to say see they did it without seeing the tremendously devastating results of the act.

Sandy said...

I don't know anyone personally to whom that has happened- but I have heard it often. I don't know if they put it in Saudi-based contracts either. It would be interesting to know.

Really the issue is more child custody in these cases. Women don't want the divorce- even when they do- because they want to keep their children. And a foreign woman who gets divorced- even worse, can be sent out on an exit only Visa- so staying married becomes her best option however she feels about it. And yes I personally know Saudi's and non-Saudi's who have faced these issues.

Layla said...

Sandy-we have that clause in our Saudi based marriage contract, although the first judge refused to put it in and the second one gave me a hard time, in the end he agreed.

Sandy said...

That's interesting Laylah. Ultimately I hope you never find out if it works! The main thing is your husband is clear on your wishes and agrees to them. It made me realize though that for foreign wives most are married OUTSIDE the Kingdom- so that is why they would have a harder time enforcing any conditions in their contract, as well as foreign women generally won't pursue divorce anyways to keep their children. It would be interesting to hear from Saudi women if this clause has ever actually worked.

Gotcha said...

I have to say that for western women marrying a muslim men and then going back to his country and having children is risky. It is definitely a great way to imprison women in a polygmous marriage by threatening to take away their right to every see the children. Of course it sounds as though Saudi has a system in place that keeps women in a constant state of fear. If I were you I would think long and hard about having children in Saudi. Remember situations may change with married couples and you should protect your interest first or foremost. Otherwise you may lose everything. I also hope that you have something legally binding as to who will be your next "owner" should something occur to your husband. I have heard of horror stories about western women marrying and then they are past to uncles or brothers of their deceased husband. There children given to their husband's parents. The women's lives were for every changed and not in a good way. I hope for your sake that you have a lot in place to help you should the worst occur. Everything that I have read about Saudi, is that this is a place that women should find a why to escape from not a place where you go to.

Anonymous said...

A very interesting post and I like your way of thinking. I like the comments saying it's a women's God given right to be the only wife and that we should not put man's selfish desires first. Also good point that we should desire for our sisters in Islam what we desire for ourselves - a good monogamous marriage.

Layla said...

Sandy-I hope so too :)
I also didn't realize how western women who have already married their Saudis already and just apply for the approval would have a hard time. In that case putting the clause in would most likely be MUCH more difficult and I could imagine a judge refusing to sign such papers.
The ones we went to were extremely difficult to deal with and I can see a woman bend in front of them to take it out.

Layla said...

gotcha-thanks for your comments. I do have a legally bound "owner" arranged in case of worst case scenario.

Layla said...

Alice-nice to see you around and thanks for your comment! Yes I agree that's what all women should wish upon other women :)

Anonymous said...

God made Adam n Eve right? Not Adam, eve,christy,kim,ashley. 1 man 1 women 2 b together. Ladies value yourselves. Theres a reason y the wives fight bc its not a good thing. yall are very pretty idk y yall let them have more than 1 wife n brain wash yall.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your post! I thought that in our generation who is under 30 it doesn't happen anymore, but guess what... My best friend is very sweet Saudi girl who is happily married to Saudi man in the same age. But they're married for couple years and they still don't have children even they tried. And her mother in law "advices" as a "solution" to take second wife for her son! It's not like he's going to do that, but this pressure from his family doesn't make things work better. I'm just wondering do those bedouins( they operantly are) understand that children comes from God, not from human bodies, it's clearly stated in Quran that only God send soul to body and only God can take it back, so if it doesn't happen till know best thing that mother would do is pray for her son and daughter in law, but not blame them for something which is not in their power.

Anonymous said...

There is Kazakh smart joke about this. There were two friends: one married to one and another had two wives. Who had two all the time was telling another one: "try it, you don't know what you're missing, I have two beautiful women around me and enjoy it". So second guy listened to his friend and married another one. On the next day he had to go at night to the mosque because when he came at night to his second wife she said," you would love me, I would be your only one, so go to your first wife", he came to first wife and she said,"you don't love anymore because you took second wife, so go to her". He had no place to go and went to the mosque and met his friend there and said,"why did you tell me that it's nice to have two women, my life is living hell now and I feel more lonely than ever". He friend said:" I spent many nights here alone and I felt bored so I thought if you will be here I will have someone to talk to"

The same is when shaitan's triyng to convince people to do wrong things it's just because he doesn't want to be alone in hell. :-)

Anonymous said...

I love your article Layla... Tell me, do Saudi's every married older, widowed women to take care of them? Or do they typically just marry younger? I argue that women's sexual desire is just as strong and poligamy is sort of like trading in one's old car for a newer model. Marriage is more than sex. It has a spiritual, emotional element. Speaking of sex, I think women's desire is equally as strong.

Anonymous said...

I dont agree with your post about this subject. I am a second wife to my husband and i get along with his first wife very good. The children are like from one family and are not traumatized at all, they have one person more who loves them like their parents.

In fact im from Scandinavia also and now living in Egypt.

Like Prophet Mohammed PBUH said, that you do your best to be fair but in the matters of heart, you cant change it, and only Allah can change a heart. Thats what is meant by the verse in Quran saying you will never be able to be fair...

Layla said...

Anon Jan 24-They marry young wives as consequent ones. I NEVER heard of anyone marrying an older woman. Oops sorry I am few years older than my husband LOL
You're right marriage is more than SeX but Saudi men don't always see it that way. I guess taking on a younger teenaged wife for a middle aged man is almost always mainly for the sex and maybe more kids.It's certainly not for spiritual and intellectual conversations :)

Layla said...

PLEASE all commenters use a nickname for identification, there are four anonymous comments here in a row!

Anonymous said...

I came across with following acticle:

Anonymous said...

Not a defender of Polygeny, but a Defender of Marriage

Allaah allows a man and only a man to engage in "Polygeny" not polygamy.  Polygamy is forbidden, because the wife would have more than one husband. See definitions below:

Polygamy (polys gamos, translated literally in Late Greek as "often married")is a marriage which includes more than two partners. When a man is married to more than one wife at a time, the relationship is called polygyny, and there is no marriage bond between the wives; and when a woman is married to more than one husband at a time, it is called polyandry, and there is no marriage bond between the husbands. If a marriage includes multiple husbands and wives, it can be called group marriage. In social anthropology, polygamy is the practice of a person's making him/herself available for two or more spouses to mate with.

A man is not required to get any of his wives approval or permission to marry another woman. If anyone has proof from the Quran and authentic Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and prayers be upon him), then present it and I'll accept it. 

Just to let you know, I'm not in or ever have been, nor want to be in a marriage of Polygeny, but I do support those that choose it and those that don't. Why, the neutral position, because Allaah legislated it, so there must be good in it. Allaah enjoins good upon us and forbids evil from us. He wants good for His "believing" servant. 

I've been married for 20 years. My agenda today, is to encourage others to mind their own business, when it comes to what others choose to do in their marriage(s). 

Marriage is a sacred relationship between a man and his wife and or wives. No one has the right to tell them how to handle their marriage, except Allaah and His Messenger, Prophet Muhammad (peace and prayers be upon him). 

When the issue of polygeny is debated, whether those for or against, someone's feelings get hurt. Someone leaves the discussion feeling beaten up on. This is not fair to either party. Those in a marriage of Polygeny and those that are not. 

A Muslim is a brother to a Muslim. Instead of beating up on our brothers (husbands) and sisters (wives) in Islam, let's help them to be just in their dealing, in their relationships, whether they're in a marriage of Polygeny or a marriage of monogamy. 

Let the readers ponder a upon the following:

1: By Al-'Asr (the time).
2: Verily, man is in loss,
3: Except those who believe (in Islamic Monotheism) and do righteous good deeds, and recommend one another to the truth [i.e. order one another to perform all kinds of good deeds (Al-Ma'ruf) which Allah has ordained, and abstain from all kinds of sins and evil deeds (Al-Munkar which Allah has forbidden], and recommend one another to patience (for the sufferings, harms, and injuries which one may encounter in Allah's Cause during preaching His religion of Islamic Monotheism or Jihad).

May Allaah guide all those that want to be guided and help their tongue maintain moister in His remembrance, ameen.  

bigstick said...

Here is some interesting infomation on sex ratio in Saudia Arabia. It seems men out number the women by a large margin.

Here are some problems that have been found with polgamy.

Hidden atrocities doesn't help people nor does allowing disregard for another person to justify a selfish need to the expense of the other person. God will never justify that, nor should anyone aid or abet the injustice.

Layla said...

Bigstick-thank you for this excellent link, have been reading through the whole study all day! Fascinating albeit not so surprising findings :)

Anonymous said...

Well almost all men are for polygamy and I think we all know why its definitely not the reasons that religious men claim it is, I've never heard of any rich man marrying a widow as a second wife and a great example would be the rulers in the Arab world or Islamic in general and this is also applicable to the ordinary man who get married again because of lust period only a very small number of men do it for other reasons and they want women to agree ofcourse so they make it easier on there selves but that is very unlikely because women are not dumb they can see what kind of girls become the co-wife usually a young virgin girl but some women agree to it why? because simply in that situation it serves them they are getting the benefit therefore they are staying, and they already know that the man is married its not like a surprise the surprise is for the first wife who will have to share and keep her mouth shut as religious men suggest and want and claim that this is what happened in the past and a women(first wife) have no right what so ever to oppose. And for women who are pro polygamy are usually the second wives( who want to defend themselves more like actions) the other are the brainwashed ones who do as they are told and the other ones are the women who agree that there is thing called "polygamy" but it does not apply to them. There is really no middle ground in this primarily reason is that religious scholars don't want to hear the other side they always need to be right and claim to be more knowledgeable, the good thing tho is that women are understanding their rights better and are wanting to exercise them like refusing to be forced, threatened by polygamy or divorce and becoming more financially independent which helps them make their own decision.


Kat said...

Have you ever seen an episode of the American reality TV show "Sisterwives" about an American man and his four wives? Or read the book or blog "Love Times Three" by the Dargers, another American Polygamist family?
Here's the link:

Neli Saracen said...

selam dear laylah, i quoted tiny part of this post in my blog post :D but i linked this post as well, hope that's not a problem :)

Layla said...

Hi Neli! Thanks for the link and quote my dear, and nice blog!!

Saadia said...

Just after reading some of your posts, I love you now <3 the way you explain things is amazing Masha'Allah. Sister just wanted to say that Islam is very reasonable and beautiful. Because of ignorant people don't turn away from it. :) I cannot share my husband with anyone, can't even bear the idea of sharing. Not all woman are so big hearted. It is only recommended in certain situations and Alhamdullilah we are in no such dire circumstances.

Anonymous said...

there can be nothing in an Islamic marriage contract that contradicts the Quran. Probably just gave herself the right to a divorce if he took another wife...wonder how the exact wording went....:)

Anonymous said...

I completely agree. Some people don't mind hurting others and doing it to someone else, but if it happens to their close family members they sing a different tune. This is how it is: If you don't want it to happen to you, don't do it to others.