My Saudi Wedding Ceremony

What's the difference between a Saudi and a Finnish wedding ceremony?
-In Saudi the groom is the one in long white dress and the bride is wearing black!
-Instead of "you may now kiss the bride" in Saudi it's "you may now see the bride".

Ok so as I promised in my previous post about getting the marriage permission in Saudi, I will tell you of the day we went to the judge to get married.
For preparations I had to disguise my 9 months pregnancy belly. I had gotten a very loose fitting over the head abaya for the occasion. Underneath it I wore a tight bellycorset and then four sweaters to try to look more evenly big. It worked, I looked in the mirror and saw a big mass of black with only the eyes visible. I had to walk a little slouched and try not to wobble! Needless to say it was not exactly comfortable or easy to manouver myself in that abaya. I constantly felt it's going to drop down from my head and my stomach will be exposed or that I would trip on it and fall over! I told my husband I felt like a bowling pin.

We arrived at the courthouse and met our witnesses and the man that acted as my wali(normally that would be my father if he was muslim).This building is solely for marriages and divorces and the marriages can be done from 10 to 12 p.m only. We went to wait outside the judges (Sheikh) room, and I went to sit in the female waiting area as the men handle everything here.

When we finally got into the judges room, I was the only woman there. The judge, his assistant, two witnesses and the wali were there. I felt somewhat akward but tried to walk in as normally as possible and sat down in front of the judge. Sitting actually masked the belly really well.

The judge shuffled our papers around and then on seeing the conditions we had put in our contract laughed so hard his long beard jolted. I felt humiliated! He then asked me in arabic, why are you denying your husband his right for a second wife? I said because it's my preference. He then continued to ask why I was asking for such an amount of muakhar(amount paid by husband to wife in case of divorce). I replied in case he takes another wife. The judge shaked his head and everyone was quiet in the room.

Then he sent us all out. The man acting as my wali said the judge is not going to marry us because of the conditions, that we should just take them out. I was furious! I said absolutely not, and I want another judge! My husband and I had in fact already agreed to cut the muakhar amount in half before going to the judge from recommendation of the wali. I didn't think it was the judges business to interfere with our personal decisions in the first place. Whatever the woman wants to add as extra conditions should be fine as long as they don't go against Islam and of course the husband agrees to them.

We saw other couples going in and out in under five minutes. Finally we got called back in.
Then suddenly he started asking for my Shahadah certificate (certificate that I a muslim).We didn't have it because on my iqama it states I'm muslim and it should have been enough. The judge started insisting he could not marry us without this paper. He sent us out again. My husband had to go to some sheikhs office to try get some kind of paper without avail. We went back to the judge. He said if you get me the certificate before 1 p.m it's ok. It was 12:15.

We rushed to the car and drove home like crazy. My husband ran upstairs to get the certificate, thank God we knew where it was! We were back at the courthouse at 12:40. But it seemed like this judge had disappeared into thin air. We searched for him everywhere for about an hour. He clearly didn't want to marry us and used the shahadah certificate as an excuse to get himself out of it.

So now what? My husband went around the courthouse asking if we could have another judge. He finally found one but we had to wait another half hour to see him. I was getting extremely uncomfotable and hot in my gear and hadn't had anything to drink in fear of needing to use the toilet and disassembling everything.

The second judge did not laugh at the conditions, but told me he will not include the no second wife condition in the contract. This time there was an interpreter in the room also, although most of what the judge said was not translated. He lectured my husband for a long time about agreeing to this condition. "Islam allows you up to four wives". As if he wasn't aware and we hadn't already discussed everything and mutually agreed. My blood was boiling but I tried to stay calm. The judge was saying my husband can't know if he changes his mind in the future. The sheikh told me this is not Islam. I said it's my right to have it in there. I was getting really upset because I felt he was just thinking of the rights of the man ignoring the woman's. What was it to him anyway, this was our personal issue! He insisted we go home and think things over.
I wasn't going to back out however much he was trying to intimidate me. So then the judge finally agreed to add it.

Next the judge had a problem with the muahkar. He said this amount is unheard of and against Islam. Really? Actually who is he to say what is a fair amount? Women don't get much anything here, let alone half of everything like in the west in case of divorce so I wanted to have it there as a sort of insurance. Again the lectures began. He tried to persuade me to take it out. I told him he is pressuring me and THAT is against Islam. He questioned my husband over and over. It looked like he was not going to marry us if I didn't do as he wished. I was so annoyed at the whole situation. It was unbelievable. I felt like he was trying to strip me of my rights in a room full of men and I thought to myself I am not going to BUDGE.

It paid off. After a long moment of silence the judge agreed after asking the witnesses to testify my husband was in his right mind and not sick or delusional (to agreeing to marry some woman as stubborn and demanding and aware of their rights as me I guess!). The judge read out something in arabic and stated the extra conditions. We both said we agreed and then everyone signed the paper. I tried to get up from my chair as normally as possible and slouched over when I walked up to him to sign. And finally it was over! It was mentioned Finland was not in their system and they had to add it in.

What a relief! We went outside and took some pictures in front of the building with our license. It was very windy and my belly was fully visible now. As we were taking the pictures the judge left the building and passed us in his car :D

I'm not sure were the judges so hesitant because we are a mixed couple or if this the typical stance of Saudi judges. Don't Saudi women ever ask for these conditions to look after their interests?

In all the whole process took about 5 hours instead of the anticipated 5 minutes! But it was worth it of course, we are very lucky to get the permission in the first place. I will never forget my Saudi wedding day!

The Day of Rage from the skies

So it's March 11th, the much anticipated date of the "Day of Rage". It was supposed to be a day of protests around the Kingdom.
I was curious to see if anything would actually happen although I highly doubted it in the first place. Read my previous post on the Saudi revolution here.

What I saw today was a city empty of citizens but full of police and dust from a bad sandstorm. Police were stationed on all main roads, on the intersections and sides of roads were they had extra checkpoints. Helicopters were buzzing around the city centre.
Some imams had been cursing all state enemies in their friday sermons.

In the afternoon the sky started getting darker and thunder could be heard. After a while there was lightning and loud rumbling thunder. And then, all of a sudden hail the size of marbles started pouring down from the sky! Ouch, they really hurt when they pounded on my head as I bravely ventured out to take some pictures of this weird phenomenon!

I certainly felt the rage from the skies. But no signs of protesters. In the evening when the last prayer had finished most shops remained closed and the streets remained very quiet. Only the rain and thunder could be heard. People had been warned not to go on the streets and it looks like the government's plan worked.

I am sure that some sheikh is going to come up with a theory that the "state enemies" planning the protests brought on these extreme weather conditions. By upsetting God with their immoral actions, these "apostates" were the reason the thunderstorm and hail hit Riyadh! It would't be the first time immoral actions (or women) would be blamed for weather conditions or catastrophies.

The only form of protesting I saw in Riyadh this weekend was at the entrance of the International Exhibition center where muttawas had gathered to protest to women not covering their faces. This was the Riyadh Book Fair which is not gender segregated and muttawas of course detest it.
As I walked by with my friend we heard "cover face" "in Saudi-Arabia head" "cover head". Could they at least learn to say it in proper english? Anyways we ignored these religious zealots. Actually these were not the official religious police Haia'a aka CPVPV. They were so called freelancing muttawas, who dress and look like the real deal. Just to pass their freetime they like to shout at women and check the bookfair for forbidden books.

So no other rage in Saudi-Arabia at least this time around!

International Women's Day and Saudi women

International Women's day is not really celebrated in Saudi-Arabia. It's like any other day in the lives of the Saudi women. However I wanted to write on this day and remind all women, regardless of our nationality, race or religion to be grateful of what we have.

Saudi women are often portayed as the world's most oppressed, living miserable lives with no human rights. However when we put things into a worldwide perspective, Saudi women are actually quite lucky and priviledged.

Just for an example lets look at the life of a woman in rural Nepal. When a girl is born she will likely be seen as a burden to her family, she will not be welcomed or celebrated. A son is always better. As soon as early childhood she will start working in the fields and at home, serving the men of the family.She will never learn to read and write. Her honored brothers will spend their days playing and roaming about as they wish. Her father will likely be away most of the time working abroad leaving all household duties to the mother and daughters. He might bring back HIV as a souvenir from his travels. The men in the family will treat the women like slaves, themselves chatting, smoking and drinking all day while the women work an estimated 18 hours every single day of the year. As the little girl grows older she will be married off when she reaches puberty. If she or other women of the family are having their menses, they will be sent to a horrible outhouse for the time of their courses because they are considered dirty.
When the young girl falls pregnant her chances of surviving that or consequent pregnancies and childbirths are not very optimistic. She will not have transport to any medical facilities let alone access to running water or electricity. She will work hard until she delivers and if she gives birth to another girl, she will be seen as a failure and expected to produce sons. She will spend her life like her mother who now by the age of 30 has seen her best days, her body is starting to get weak under the constant working and childbearing.

Take a moment to watch this video of childbirth in Nepal:
http://english.aljazeera.net/programmes/witness/2010/05/20105372154435803.html

Or this video about the rape horror women experience in the Democratic Republic of Congo where 13-14 yr old girls are abducted by army commanders and then given to soldiers as trophies. The girls live in sex slavery while their mothers back home are the breadwinners of the family and their husband's steal their money:
http://english.aljazeera.net/programmes/rizkhan/2011/03/20113281926561788.html

The treatment of women and girls in countries like Nepal, Congo and so many many others is sickening and deeply disturbing.
Instead of always concentrating on how awful the life of a Saudi woman is, lets think about the positive sides.
She has a loving, protecting (although sometimes over-protective) family and father who will love her unconditionally. Her birth is a special event and her mother is honored for it. She will be adored and pampered like a princess. After finishing school if she wishes she will not have to work a single day in her life. Her father, brothers and uncles will always support her financially. She might have a maid to help her with daily chores and a driver to take her places. When she marries her family will help her find the most suitable husband for her. And finally when she becomes a mother herself, she will have access to high quality health care and will likely be able to enjoy her motherhood to the fullest surrounded by her family.

As a western woman from a country that has given women equal rights for decades, I feel very lucky and blessed. I've seen so much unnecessary suffering of women in countries I worked in Africa and countless others I travelled to. Western women and Saudi women are lucky,so lets be grateful for all the things we have and often take as granted and remember those women who are not as lucky as we are!

Saudi marriage permission success!

In Saudi-Arabia marriages to foreigners are regulated by the government. All Saudis must apply for permission to marry a foreigner or if he/she has already done so abroad the marriage must be first approved by the Ministry of Interior (MOI) to be valid under Saudi laws. Now this might sound simple, but it's everything but!
The MOI people have a reputation of being corrupt and slower than snails in terms of progress of the application. Permissions are given out for those with wasta, money to bribe employees or what it seems just randomly. They have a website with the list of terms that need to be met in order for the permission to be approved, but even meeting all the conditions will not guarantee approval if someone just happens to have a bad day at the ministry, you're out of luck!
A fellow blogger Tara Umm Omar has created a site that deals exclusively with issues around the Saudi marriage approval process: Future Husbands and Wives of Saudis.

I know people have been rejected for no apparent reasons, made to wait for years, applications have been "lost", couples with existing children have been rejected permission although citizenship was granted for children, among other irrational things. In short the MOI job seems to be to PREVENT Saudis form marrying non-Saudis by every kind of discouragement imaginable.

Despite the odds we managed to get our application approved without bribery or wasta, so I guess we fall into the random lucky ones! In the end the actual time of processing our papers could be described as quick in Saudi terms. It took only a few months!

Although our situation does differ from most western-saudi couples applying since I'm a resident of KSA due to my work and we were not applying as a couple that had previously gotten married abroad like most mixed couples do. We decided not to inform them we had already married in Finland. It seemed that telling them would make the process more lengthy and difficult.

We had to get some paperwork from Finland sent over and since my father is not muslim he appointed someone to act in his behalf here. We had some difficulties in aqcuiring the medical reports but luckily we were able to have it all done for free at the hospital I work in. Because of my pregnancy I got false results for the blood screening (positive for Saudis hereditary diseases!) but we managed to work around it with the help of a physician I worked with. He also wrote a chest x-ray report for me although I could not have it done because of the preganancy. The process would have stopped there without his help, so I guess this was the part where we used "wasta".

At one point I had to go to a government office females section (read more about that here) and managed to hide my then 7 months pregnant belly from the employees in my overthehead abaya. When our papers finally reached the MOI my husband started calling them and eventually just went there himself everyday to follow up on the progress. We were running out of time because my iqama was to expire in the beginning of March and the hospital sponsorship had to be transfered to his name before that, or I would have to leave the country and we would have had to start the whole process over again.

Initially some of the employees at MOI had said our papers look ok to go, "mafi mushkila". My husband was hopeful but I was very sceptical having read and heard so many unsuccesful stories. Attached with our papers we submitted a history of my husbands medical condition, hoping it would make things easier. As horrible as it sounds, the Saudi man having some sort of "defect" would be seen as not good enough for a Saudi woman and thus more acceptable for him to marry from abroad. But we decided to make use of this disgusting "rule".

Then one day as my husband went to the MOI he was told the application has been rejected. No grounds were given other than "you should have an existing non-productive Saudi wife". We were devasted. It meant I had to leave the country, give birth in Finland and stay for an unknown period of time away from my husband since I could not enter the country again with the baby. We started processing my exit papers from the hospital and bought my tickets to Finland, everything was set for me to leave. But then, a miracle happened!

My husband had wanted to know what was the real reason for them turning us down and had someone he knew ask about our papers. After a few days we were informed we had in fact obtained the permission and were good to go in front of the judge to get married! I didn't believe it at first, I thought it was just a misunderstanding! But it was true and now we had to cancel all the paperwork from the hospital. For once they had actually been efficient and had already cancelled my iqama and issued an exit only visa.

After we had those reversed we were ready to face the judge at the courthouse. But we had a huge problem, literally! My enormous nine month pregnancy bump! But I managed to hide it underneath layers of clothing, a bellycorset topped by the abaya. Not very comfortable for five hours! We had problems with the judges refusing to accept the additional conditions in the marriage contract. They tried to convince me over and over again to remove them which I promptly refused.
That in itself is a long story and I will post about it later!
But in the end the judge did not notice I was pregnant (he was too busy fussing with my "unheard of conditions") and agreed to marry us and we are now happily married by Saudi law, alhamdulillah!

We were the first Saudi-Finnish couple!